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Why some men MARRY

   WHY SOME MEN MARRY...

 

People get married in the hope of improving their life. No one marries to sacrifice for the other person. People marry because somehow they believe it makes life better for them. Once you understand this basic rule, you can start to understand why a man wants to marry and why he doesn't. Start by taking a close look at yourself. How would you make a man's life easier? Happier? Healthier? More fun? How would being married to you make him feel better about himself? How would it improve how his family and friends see him? How would being married to you improve his life? Allow him more fun in his life? Make a list.  Be very honest. Will marrying you give him something he needs and wants but doesn't have right now? Men only marry if they believe it will make their life better. They do not marry because they want to sacrifice their pleasure or give up their joy for you. A man who sees marriage as burdensome, hard, upsetting, or painful! will avoid marrying.  It has little to do with love. A person may love you, but avoid marrying you (or anybody else) if they somehow believe life with you >will be difficult. For some men, single life just is better – and nothing will sway them. They may like women, but they don't need them.  Move on. You can't change this type of man. A man must feel he is getting something by marrying you - a feeling, a reward, a purpose, comfort, thrills, whatever. You have to learn how to push a man's pleasure buttons. If you can figure out what constitutes pleasure and meaning to him, then you can begin to understand why he would marry.  Is pleasure for him having a family? A beautiful wife other guys will envy? A helper and emotional support? A best friend for life? Would he love not having to worry about cooking and cleaning? Does he need help financially? Does he need a woman to baby him? Be his partner? Help him straighten himself out? Is he looking for a woman to have a blast with or a woman to take care! of? Does he want a woman he has to work for and please?  Years ago, men often married for sex................. didn't come so easily, and this motivated them. The prospect of unlimited SEX propelled many a man into marrying. SEX meant pleasure, which humans crave. Humans will put themselves in terrible - even dangerous - situations at the prospect of great pleasure. Today, men can have this without marrying.  A woman must now understand the other reasons a man marries. Every man has his own agenda. It is your job to figure out what the man you want. As you begin to understand his needs, ask yourself if you can fill or even want to fill these needs. Be honest. If you see his needs don't match what you are willing to give, say goodbye. For him to give you what you want, he must get what he wants, and vice versa. If you can meet his needs, hurray for you. But be careful: if you think it will change after you marry, it won't. If you meet his needs now, and deny them later, you are in for trouble. Try to join forces with a man who has needs you don't mind fulfilling.  Again: you must feel okay with filling the needs he has. If filling those needs doesn't feel right to you, say goodbye. To understand what needs you can fill; look at your relationships and roles among friends and family. Are you a caretaker who enjoys being Mama to others? Then a man looking for a mother will suit you. Or are you used to being pampered and adored in the family? Then you may want a man who is looking to take care of someone. Are you a fascinating conversationalist full of ideas? Then you need a man who values and needs intellectual stimulation and companionship. Do you enjoy working out, looking beautiful, dressing nicely? Then you may want a man who prides himself on having a beautiful woman by his side! Are you a person who wants total togetherness or freedom? You see, nothing is inherently wrong with needs. We so quickly judge what a person needs, but rather than judging, we should acknowledge our own needs and our ability to fill another person's needs!  Here is another example.  Are you a strong woman, full of opinions, and yet you consistently are drawn toward arrogant men who want a rather compliant women? No wonder they leave you. Here is a mismatch of needs. Or are you a very bright, talkative woman who lives for good conversation, who is drawn to men who are not verbally oriented? Mismatch again. If you want a particular man, don't discount or judge his needs. Okay, so bugging you to grow your nails seems so, well, shallow. 'He should love me for me' you insist. Yes, yes, and there should be world peace. There are some realities we can't escape from. If he values nice nails, being on time, nylons with no runs, then either meet his needs or get out of the relationship.  Those are your only two choices. If you refuse to meet his needs, eventually he will find someone who will. Nature abhors a vacuum.  Humans will go only so long with their needs unmet. Once a lady with long nails comes along, he will be gone. A person can't go against their internal coding system. If you fight a lot with your boyfriend, it is no wonder he is weary to get married. Everywhere we look is divorce horror stories. No one knowingly wants to set themselves up for a life of fighting, hassle and trouble. If you fight a lot, he will believe you are just not right for each other. "But" you say "we love each other…..Every couple fights." You may understand that – but he won't. Every time you fight, you are giving him the message that being with you equals pain. He doesn't forget the fight as easily as you do. Women don't take fights as seriously - we tend to look at the big PICTURE You can expect him to even! leave you. if you do not take seriously meeting his needs.  You have to avoid what he considers pain. We have mentioned fighting, but it could also be little things you consider shallow or petty. Meet his pleasure needs. Men like pleasure. They like fun. They look to their relationship to give them a break from the rigors of work. They do not enter marriage because they expect life with you to be dull, rigid and full of hard work. They marry you because it seems like you would be a total blast to spend their life with. Does he enjoy outdoor sports?  Begin to enjoy them too.  Or do you spend your time together doing the same old thing week after week? Wearing the same! old clothes....complaining and whining about the same old things. People like people who make their life fun, this goes for men and women. We like people who make us smile and laugh, who help us forget our troubles, who share our interests and passions.  Life is hard enough without a relationship being hard too. To conclude, begin to think of what you need in a relationship – and what kind of a man has needs you are able and willing to fill. Ask yourself: Am I fun to be with? Am I difficult, critical, and picky? Do I give my boyfriend pain or pleasure?

 

 

Dr. Sharon R. Bonds

Copyrighted 2007


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